LIVIN' CRUDDY - #1 Cruddy Joe

LAKE NOWHERE REVIEW

Theres been a fad somewhat recently of movies claiming to be throwbacks to genre films of the past

LLLAKE NOWHERE falls into that oft-misguided lot

However, LAKE NOWHERE  convincingly succeeds where many fail

Like several of its slasher prdecessors,  the film begins with a group of friends who head out to the woods for shenanigans  typical of the genre:

>Beer drinking and pot smoking

>Practical jokes and random howling at trees (?)

And, of course, Skinny dipping; If there’s a  body of water in your slasher movie, there will be skinny-dipping-it is ape Law!

Sure enough, faster thank you can say Freddy Voorhees- a masked maniac inexplicably shows up and starts knocking people off in no particular order

The killAs a matter of fact, the movie delivers everything you’d expect from a god slasher:

Lots of murder-blood and gore-for those who are into mass murder

Lots of gratuitous nudity-for those who are into that sorta thing.

LAKNOHERE is a fantastic throwback to those obscureVHS titles you might accidentally stumble upon back in your local ma and pa shop back in the day

Even the grain of the film lookslike a vhs copy of a copy- complete with the inexplicable static lines intermittently scrolling intermittently down the screen, as well as ntrailers for other obscure genre films you might want to search for- I counted two giallo films AND ONE”NATURE GONE AMOK” ENTRY

THERE ARE EVEN RANDOM CUTS TO CLIPS, YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT, LIKE APROGRAM THAT WAS ORIGINALLY ON THE TAPE BEFORE YOU TAPED THE HORROR MOVIE OVER IT;

YOU KNOW- LIke sextapeyour parentsFILMED AT THE localmotel 6 over Easter break; or maybe your precious episodes of Simon and simon

But none of these novelties are notdistracting- In fact, they add more ambience to the film experience as a whole.

Most importantly, nothing in this movie is ever used in a wink-wink-nudge-nudge joke fashion

Instead of mocking their classic predecessors, LAKENOWFERE, instead, embraces these slasher conventions and integrates them seamlessly into the film-thus making it a solid slasher in its own right

Instead of mocking them  or writing them offoffas mere kitsch mere kitschLAKENOWHEREcan proudly on the video shelf-shoulder to shoulder with such classics as FridAYTHE13th

THEBURNING

REDEEMER!THE  SON OFSATAN 

and maybeeven BLOODFREAK(dare to dream big, Isay!)

Of course not everything can be peaches and cream.

Keeping in mind, that I’m a moon, here are a handful of problems I had with film:

>who and why is the masked maniac? I mean, is there an origin?

Then again, maybe it’s better off as a mystery

>are those thozombies? And if so…

>what’s the deal with the zombies?

> what is that damn inscription? Which leads me to my next issue:

The sound is verymuddy at times(it should be noted that I watched the streaming version on amazon

>Finally can somebody please explain the ending?  and Please do so with small words

Moody, atmospheric, and beautifully shot, LAKNOWHERE is a solid homage to  slasher films of yesteryear-perhaps most importantly,LAKE NWHERE is simply a fun film in its own right

SEXWORKER REVIEW

                                                                                 

Walking home from his weekly trip to the free clinic, Gene simmons passed a nondescript bar on the

side of the road.

Behind the din of redneck patrons enjoying a midday meal, Gene could barely make out the strains of music, but it was nothing typical fare of a regular honky-tonk dive.

Intrigued, Simmons hobbled into the establishment, still sore from the thorough cavity examination he received just a couple hours beforehand.
On a modest stage wedged between the bathroom and the kitchen played a rock ‘n’ roll foursome almost as nondescript as the bar itself, a chalkboard leaning against the wall featured the name “sexworker emblazoned in pastel pink and blue

Intrigued by their unique sound, Gene waited patiently until the end of their set to meet the band.
After treating Sexworker to a greasy plate of potato skins, Gene got to know the band, drummer Ellis Johnson was the youngest of the group—a child prodigy sporting a lime-green mohawk, the brains behind the outfit was bassist Casey Ethridge, a former bodybuilder from Venice beach.
Simmons proposed the possibility of signing them to his small record label he ran as a hobby called Hepatitis C , but not without a stipulation:
Simmons insisted on bringing his friend Dennis Deyoung aboard because:
⦁ It would bring Sexworker instant name-recognition
And
⦁ 2. Outside of a brief gig at Sonic as a roller-skating server, HEdidn’t have a plethora of employment opportunities out there

⦁ The band was eager to meet the veteran hitmaker,but were quickly disappointed upon the realization that Deyoung was only interested in writing sequels to his prior hits, such as “Son of Roboto” and “Too much hair on my palms.” Deyoung also wanted to address his lifelong struggle with erectile dysfunction, including such numbers as “She says it happens to everyone” and “Don’t you fuckin patronize me!”
Obviously on divergent career paths, Sexworker and Dennis Deyoung parted ways amicably.
The road to success was wide open for Sexworker, but they were now without a singer.
The  unlikely answer, however, was closer than anybody realized.
Every morning on the way to his way to practice ,Casey would pass a panhandler on the corner strumming a ukulele and singing all the hits of the Sammy Haggar-era Van Halen, the vagrant

.

claimed his name was Richard Hammer
Hs hygiene was suspect, but there was no denying his talent nor his golden voice.
Casey put  $5 in the man’s empty ballcap then invited him inside to meet the band with a promise of another  five dollar bill and a gift certificate for a free McRib.
After getting all the perfunctory pleasantries out of the way, the group buckled down to work on writing and recording new material.
In a case be a case of eemingly cosmic intervention, Sexworker discovered that Richard Hammer and casey Ethridge turned out to be muses for one another, neither had ever felt more inspired:  NOTULike hall and oates, or Lennon and Mccartney, or Garfunkel and simon or Simon and Simon or even Jake and the fat  man.
Over the course of fivemonths, Sexworker worked feverishly to write andrecord their fledgling album entitled five in the stink.

I a case of too much, too soon and too fast, Sexworker’s popularity exploded and the band found themselves thrust into the harsh media spotlight on the grandest stage of the world.

Sadly, the price of fame and fortune proved to be too ,much 0n Ethridge and Hammer, and their young relationship soon buckled under the weight of public scrutiny and the paparazzi.

Intrigued by their unique sound, Gene waited patiently until the end of their set to meet the band.
After treating Sexworker to a greasy plate of potato skins, Gene got to know the band, drummer Ellis Johnson was the youngest of the group—a child prodigy sporting a lime-green mohawk, the brains behind the outfit was bassist Casey Ethridge, a former bodybuilder from Venice beach.
Simmons proposed the possibility of signing them to his small record label he ran as a hobby called Hepatitis C , but not without a stipulation:
Simmons insisted on bringing his friend Dennis Deyoung aboard because:

⦁ It would bring Sexworker instant name-recognition

And
⦁ 2. Outside of a brief gig at Sonic as a roller-skating server, Deyoung didn’t have a plethora of employment opportunities.
⦁ The band was eager to meet the veteran hitmaker,but were quickly disappointed upon the realization that Deyoung was only interested in writing sequels to his prior hits, such as “Son of Roboto” and “Too much hair on my palms.” Deyoung also wanted to address his lifelong struggle with erectile dysfunction, including such numbers as “She says it happens to everyone” and “Don’t you fuckin patronize me!”
Obviously on divergent career paths, Sexworker and Dennis Deyoung parted ways amicably.
The road to success was wide open for Sexworker, but they were now without a singer
The  unlikely answer, however, was closer than anybody realized.
Every morning on the way to his way to practice ,Casey would pass a panhandler on the corner strumming a ukulele and singing all the hits of the Sammy Haggar-era Van Halen, the vagrant claimed his name was Richard Hammer
Hs hygiene was suspect, but there was no denying his talent nor his golden voice.
Casey put  $5 in the man’s empty ballcap then invited him inside to meet the band with a promise of another  five dollar bill and a gift certificate for a free McRib.
After getting all the perfunctory pleasantries out of the way, the group buckled down to work on writing and recording new material.
In a case be a case of eemingly cosmic intervention, Sexworker discovered that Richard Hammer and casey Ethridge turned out to be muses for one another, neither had ever felt more inspired: Like hall and oates, or Lennon and Mccartney, or Garfunkel and simon or Simon and Simon or even Jake and the fat  man.
Over the course of five-fevered months, Sexworker wrote and recorded their fledgling album entitled five in the stink.

I a case of too much too fast, Sexworker’s popularity exploded and the band found themselves thrust into the harsh media spotlight on the grandest stage of the world.
Everything Sexworker could have ever wanted was now at their fingertips.
Sadly, the price for fame and fortune proved to be too ,much 0n Ethridge and Hammer’s young relationship and it soon buckled under the weight of public scrutiny and the paparazzi.

That, along with trying to juggle their professional with their personal kives planted the inevitable seeds of dissent.

Meanwhile, young Ellis Johnson also found himself alsobuckling under the crushing weight of fame.
Stress, combined with a life excess, found young Ellis freebasing Flintstone vitamins and staying up way past his bedtime.

Finally, the straw that broke the camel’s back was when keyboardist Barry applebottom died in a car crash after shotgunning a case of Odoul’s and chasing it with a banana split.

                                                            RIP BARRY APPLEBOTTOM

Shredded emotionally, the band lost interest in music and decided to take an indefinite hiatus, breaking the hearts of their legion of fans around the globe (myself included.)
All the members went their separate ways:
Casey ethridege went the solo route, soon findingherselfcollaborating with likes of Andrew ridgely Conway Twitty and Wesley willis.
Ellis Johnson went to China to and studied Shaolin Buddhism.
Richard Hammer returned to what he knew best: panhandling
Each now immersed in their new lives, it looked like Sexworker may go the way of the buffalo.
Almost fifteen years later, in a coincidence nothing short of divine intervention, the estranged group somehow found themselves on  the same three-way call with renowned psychic Miss Cleo.

After repeatedly telling Ricchardard Hammer that she wasn’t sure if he’d ever meet Gary Cherone, she suddenly tloldd the group that now was the time for Sexworker to reunite and reclaim their kingdom at the top of indonesia’s alt-rock charts.
And reunite they did.
The following week, Sexworker met at their old recording studio in Temple hill Kentucky.

Although fifteen years had passed, it was almost immediately like old times:
Casey strapped on the bass, Hammer plugged in his axe(literally, Gene Simmons bhad bought him an axe guitar to tcommemorate Sexworker’s reunion.Assoon as Ellis took his throne behind the drums, the band immediately burst into their old breakthrough hit, “Momma get the hammer, there’s a fly on baby’s head.”
Then , the reunited Sexworker ran into their first hurdle: The band didn’t have any money.
Studying at the Shaolin monastery perfecedt ellis’ lung-fu, but it did not provide any monetary gain.
Even more surprisingly, Casey’s foray into solo work also did not provide any substantive financial success,.and
Sadly,recording music costs money , a lot of it.
Just when things looked bleakest, Richard hammer revealed a mysterious guitar case full of cash.
It just so turned out that the world was starved for the music f Sammy Hagar, and Hammer’s ukulele was in high demand , it didn’t take long for Hammer to accrue a modest fortune through the toil of Sammy Hagar.

hammer  paid the studio and the band Sexworkerwent back to what they did best: (outside of cornhole and baking pies):writing and recording groundbreaking music.

Just one year later, Sexworker unleashed a new ep on the world: the $5 feel up.

I picked it up on the day it was released which, by chance, coincided with the elease of Yakov

Smirnoff’s latest comedy album in Soviet Russia, I’m not funny, either, so the record store was packed.

Any apprehension I had about the new work dissolved immediately asthe cd kicked intotheir latest single single:”I told you not to pick at it.”
Sexworker doesn’t try to reinvent the wheel with their latest endeavor, in stead opting to  expand  upn their classic sound , thinkOingo Boingo meets Modest mouse.
Of course, every song is anchored by Sexworker’s trademark filthy lyrics filtered through Richard Hammer’s Golden voice.
The finale of the ep”Yes, I kiss my mother with this mouth” ends $5 feel up on a high note, seamlessly integrating trumpets and bassoon into the chorus.
If the $5feel up is indicative of the future of Sexworker,  I can’t wait to see what’s coming next

for mr Furley, this is cruddy Joe, i'm OUT!

That, along with trying to juggle their professional with their personal kives planted the inevitable seeds of dissent.
Meanwhile, young Ellis Johnson also found himself alsobuckling under the crushing weight of fame.
Stress, combined with a life excess, found young Ellis freebasing Flintstone vitamins and staying up way past his bedtime.
Finally, the straw that broke the camel’s back was when keyboardist Barry applebottom died in a car crash after shotgunning a case of Odoul’s and chasing it with a banana split.
Shredded emotionally, the band lost interest in music and decided to take an indefinite hiatus, breaking the hearts of their legion o ffans around the globe (myself included.)
All the members went their separate ways:
Casey ethridege went the solo route, soon finding himself collaborating with likes of Andrew ridgely Conway Twitty and Wesley willis.
Ellis Johnson went to China to and studied Shaolin Buddhism.
Richard Hammer returned to what he knew best: panhandling
Each now immersed in their new lives, it looked like Sexworker may go the way of the buffalo.
FAlmost fifteen years later, in a coincidence nothing short of divine intervention, the estranged group somehow found themselves on  the same three-way call with renowned psychic Miss Cleo.
After repeatedly telling Ricchardard Hammer that she wasn’t sure if he’d ever meet Gary Cherone, she suddenly tloldd the group that now was the time for Sexworker to reunite and reclaim their kingdom at the top of indonesia’s alt-rock charts.
And reunite they did.
The following week, Sexworker met at their old recording studio in Temple hill Kentucky.
Although fifteen years had passed, it was almost immediately like old times:
Casey strapped on the bass, Hammer plugged in his axe(literally, Gene Simmons bhad bought him an axe guitar to tcommemorate Sexworker’s reunion.Assoon as Ellis took his throne behind the drums, the band immediately burst into their old breakthrough hit, “Momma get the hammer, there’s a fly on baby’s head.”
Then , the reunited Sexworker ran into their first hurdle: The band didn’t have any money.
Studying at the Shaolin monastery perfecedt ellis’ lung-fu, but it did not provide any monetary gain.
Even more surprisingly, Casey’s foray into solo work also did not provide any substantive financial success,.and
Sadly,recording music costs money , a lot of it.
Just when things looked bleakest, Richard hammer revealed a mysterious guitar case full of cash.
It just so turned out that the world was starved for the music f Sammy Hagar, and Hammer’s ukulele was in high demand , it didn’t take long for Hammer to accrue a modest fortune through thetoil of Sammy Hagar.
hammer  paid the studio and the band Sexworkerwent back to what they did best: (outside of cornhole and baking pies):writing and recording groundbreaking music.
Just one year later, Sexworker unleashed a new ep on the world: the $5 feel up.

I picked it up on the day it was released which, by chance, coincided with the elease of Yakov Smirnoff’s latest comedy album in Soviet Russia, I’m not funny, either, so the record store was
packed.

Any apprehension Ihad about the new work sucking dissolved immediately as ithe cd began with their latest hit single”I told you not to pick at it.”
Sexworker doesn’t try to reinvent the wheel with their latest endeavor, in stead opting to  expand  upn their classic sound , now leaning more towards Oingo Boingo than IXSX meets Modest mouse.
Of course every song is anchored by Sexworker’s trademark filthy lyrics filtered through Richard Hammer’s Golden voice.
The finale of the ep”Yes, I kiss my mother with this mouth” ends $5 feel up on a high note, seamlessly integrating trumpets and bassoon into the chorus.
If the $5feel up is indicative of the future of Sexworker,  I,can’t wait to see what’s coming next.
Eleven o

CRUDDY JOE'S FILM FREAKOUT 6/7/19

The Prowler (1981)
Directed by Joseph Zito